Tuesday, May 10, 2011
5/10
Noelle evaluated my essay and gave me some comments that may change my entire essay. I really need to organize my essay to make it more stable. She said some of my sentences are in the wrong areas so obviously i am going to change those senetences and maybe even some paragraphs. I also need to support my thesis more clearly and be more assertive with my words. some of my qoutations from Bishop will be removed from the essay and page numbers will be added. I also need to add a counter arguement to my paper which i did not include. There is going to be major changes in my essay and hopefully they will make my paper stronger.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
5/3-synthesis blog
I am currently evaluating Noelle Gilhcrists sysnthesis paper, titled "Watervliet:Blame it on the Generation." In her essay she discusses that the current generation is the cause of churches decline. Her town went from a republican county to a democratic county. The fact that people are more concernced with fast food, nail salons, and the latest fashion leave not much time for people to go to church. Watervliet supports Bishop's theory on how politics are influenced by this generation change.
Thesis: Noelle has a strong thesis, however I think she should add a sentence or two after the thesis to show a little support. I do realize the whole essay supports the thesis but I think she could be a little more indepth and clear about her main purpose. She definitely agrees with Bishop that times are changing and her town is the perfect example of this change. She continues to introduce her thesis in her body paragraphs which makes the essay stronger.
Support: Noelle has a lot of support throughout her essay. Although she does not use a scholar source shes uses personal experience and qoutations from websites and bishops book. Although I feel wikipedia may not be the best source, she uses the information to its fullest extent and pulls examples from most of her articles.
Organization: The piece does include evidence of Bishops big sort book. She uses examples and qoutations from the book although she does not provide a backround of what Bishop discusses. More transistions could be necessary throughout each body paragraph that would make the essay flow more smoothly from paragraph to paragraph. Noelle always provides information about the qoutes she is using and gives her own clear definition of the qoute before or after it is said.
Mechanics: There are many grammatical errors through the essay but they are small and can easily be fixed. Some sentences can be combined with a comma although that is not this authors writing style.
Thesis: Noelle has a strong thesis, however I think she should add a sentence or two after the thesis to show a little support. I do realize the whole essay supports the thesis but I think she could be a little more indepth and clear about her main purpose. She definitely agrees with Bishop that times are changing and her town is the perfect example of this change. She continues to introduce her thesis in her body paragraphs which makes the essay stronger.
Support: Noelle has a lot of support throughout her essay. Although she does not use a scholar source shes uses personal experience and qoutations from websites and bishops book. Although I feel wikipedia may not be the best source, she uses the information to its fullest extent and pulls examples from most of her articles.
Organization: The piece does include evidence of Bishops big sort book. She uses examples and qoutations from the book although she does not provide a backround of what Bishop discusses. More transistions could be necessary throughout each body paragraph that would make the essay flow more smoothly from paragraph to paragraph. Noelle always provides information about the qoutes she is using and gives her own clear definition of the qoute before or after it is said.
Mechanics: There are many grammatical errors through the essay but they are small and can easily be fixed. Some sentences can be combined with a comma although that is not this authors writing style.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
